Some "Thing"
Something has been poking at me, wanting attention. When I took a proper look, what I discovered changed the way I see the world.
This won’t be easy but I’m going to try writing about some “thing” that’s weighing heavily on me. I’ll do it as simply and light-heartedly as I can. This thing has been hanging around and needs to be processed. And for me that means writing.
I hope this doesn’t come across as a story that’s filled with excuses disguised as reasons. That’s not how I want this year to begin. I have to take responsibility for my part in what’s “happened to me”. So let’s see how this goes…
I was young. If I really put my mind to it, I think I would be able to pinpoint my age. But without delving too deeply into a timeline, I’m guessing I was 15, possibly 14.
I was targetted by a bunch of boys (who I knew) as part of an April Fool’s joke - or so they said. “It’s just April Fools!”, my girlfriends laughed, as I wiped the smashed eggs as best I could from my school uniform, my body, and picked up my trampled bike. It seemed more than a prank. It felt personal.
Around the same time, I discovered my friend was having a birthday party for which I hadn’t yet been invited. I was told this was because those same boys didn’t like me. Apparently the party girl wanted me, but the boys didn’t. They threatened they wouldn’t go if I was there. So a group discussion was had and it was decided; the boys would be invited, not Sue.
Throughout my life these memories have resurfaced occasionally but seemed insignificant. “So what?”, I would tell myself. “We were kids! It’s so trivial….”. I try to put myself in the shoes of my friends laughing at me, literally wiping egg from my face. But I can’t. And I don’t think I would have laughed at the time had it been a friend in my yolk-smattered shoes either.
Now, at 58 years of age, I’ve had a strange a-ha moment. Be it because of my current relationships, career, status, or all of these combined - for whatever reason - I’ve realised that those two scenarios; (1) April Fools plus (2) no party invite; shaped my whole life. How freaking ridiculous is that! But it’s true. I can see this as clear as day.
As a teenager, I was completely shattered. So much so that to put into words how I personally (and completely internally) managed my emotions and the whole situation would be an entirely separate story. It created a fracture in me that’s never been healed.
Since then:
my suspicion of others
my ways of relating
my self confidence
my self esteem
the manner in which I try to win another person’s love, friendship, or admiration
the extent to which I go in order to be liked
the extent at which I go to include others
my attempts to fit in
my fear of being different
the solace I find in being alone, and so much more
… all relates back to that time in my life.
This realisation has blown my mind.
So what’s my point? Yeah well, I’m still trying to figure that out!
(I’m just processing… this writing is all part of my processing…)
What I do know, and what I’m taking on board, is this. Had I not reacted to those two scenarios the way in which I did, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. All the parts of me that I can now see have not served me well… I realise that responsibility lies with me.
Yes, those things “happened to me”. Why I took it so hard at the time, I will never know. Maybe another teenage girl would have brushed it off better than I did, or certainly not have taken it to heart so much so that it shaped her whole being like it did mine. So this I must own, because it’s my reaction that caused the effects, and those effects which in turn produced the above ten outcomes
In life, I’ve done myself no favours by playing small, fitting in, holding back, being a fool in my attempt to find my place in the world. These were simply self-protection mechanisms designed to keep me from being disliked. Before I knew it, they were habitual and then they became who I am and how I operate. Even today at work, the 15 year old in me showed up as I found the courage to speak up, fearing I’d be ridiculed and put in my place.
I know this isn’t unique to me. And of course I acknowledge that what happened to me back then is so minor compared to what other children have been through. We are all products of our past. I just wonder if anyone else can truly pinpoint a moment when everything changed for them, when they themselves became different, completely affected by some “thing” that happened. And how do they now feel about it?
I am sad I could have been so much more than who I now see myself as, but I’m also grateful I’ve had this epiphany of sorts, and feel more free than I ever have as I let go of the need to be liked and gain more security in being exactly who I am.
I am closer to being in tune with my own song. I hope you are going through life singing yours. It sounds so good when we sing together.
If something shapes us, its not trivial, it needs to be embraced as the big part it has played. Well done for acknowledging.
I don't think it's a trivial experience and I don't think it's surprising that you took it hard. I'm really sorry that this happened to you. The fact that others may have suffered worse abuses doesn't negate or lessen what you experienced.
While in hindsight, the meaning that was subconsciously absorbed into your psyche may have limited you in certain situations, it's not a flaw or an error on your part to have taken that on.
As you say, it's all grist for the mill in creating the person you are today. Sometimes, it takes a while before we can understand or have the opportunity to re-evaluate a meaning, but that doesn't mean it was time wasted or we spent all the intervening time 'doing it wrong'.
Who's to say what the purpose of this whole life journey is - we can't know for sure. But if we keep learning; if we're able to seize moments of clarity to move forward with more joy / contentment / satisfaction / gratitude / self-love / kindness for all (including ourselves), then I'd say that's a life well spent.
For me, my "egg moment" came in the way of a note that was allegedly from a popular boy. It was year 6 and I'd fallen in with a group of frenemies (I wish I'd known that term back then!!), which included the most popular girl in school. The note said that he'd dump the popular girl and go out with me instead. I can still feel the rush of adrenaline as all the emotions overwhelmed me - elation that he was interested, sadness for my friend, frustration that I'd have to say no to something I would have liked, relief that I didn't have to go out with him (I really didn't know what to do with a boy back then). I've never had a poker face so I imagine all of this was probably written on my face as moments later, the frenemy clique cracked up laughing, revealing that the note was fake. The boy kindly apologised, and very hurt, I looked at the girls and said "I would've said no anyway", but they enjoyed their cruel sport too much to care. For them, the fact that I would have said no was even funnier - in their minds, it was hilarious that I would think I had a chance.
I think this, unconsciously, left me feeling unworthy of male interest for decades afterwards. I didn't have a boyfriend until my early 20s and I was surprised to find out recently that at high school boys were interested, but I never knew. That feeling of being deeply unattractive for some reason stuck with me for years. It's still not entirely gone and unfortunately, rearing its head again as the effects of age and menopause kick in.
I now have a wonderful partner but that only happened when I finally decided in a very deep-down place, that I was happy with myself. In one sense, what a waste of teens, twenties, thirties and beyond! But in another, all those experiences during those decades created happy me. And who knows how else life would have turned out if I wasn't driven by that unconscious story? Maybe I would've had an easier, better or happier life. Maybe not. Either way, I like where I've arrived for now, so I'm going to enjoy this chapter to the full.
To me, what our childhood stories and "egg moments" show is (1) the importance of those raising children or being in a position to influence children is to teach the value of kindness above all else, and the ability to choose the meaning of our experiences, and (2) the importance of us all, regularly, checking in with the beliefs and stories we're carrying around and seeing the world through. By doing so, we can have more 'a-ha!' moments where we can see ourselves more clearly and decide how we want to move forward, intentionally instead of with programming built on childhood experiences, when we didn't have the tools to define different meanings.
Thanks for sharing this Sue - it gave me lots to contemplate. Big hug for young Sue who had to withstand such awful thuggery - she's amazingly strong to get through that and turn into the beautiful human you are today.